My little boy

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I never thought I could be filled with so much love. He is so precious and wonderful.
I love being a mom. I’ve always wanted to be one, and at 16 I just KNEW I was going to have lots of kids. I couldn’t wait to meet the right man. I wanted so badly to have a child. Though I was a bit terrified. What if I was a bad mom? What if I did something wrong and screwed my kid up? Suddenly, I wasn’t sure anymore.
Then I met my husband and his little girl. And he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about.
When I got pregnant, I read all the books. I made lists, plans. I joined mommy groups. I did everything I could to be prepared. But nothing could prepare me for all the emotions.
I am proud to say I am the mommy to a beautiful healthy baby boy. I am still terrified, but I’ve come to understand that’s a normal feeling. And I’ve learned that mothers who are worried about being bad moms normally aren’t. I’m looking forward to the many years of mommyhood.

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Balance

It’s a tough job trying to find balance in life…then add being a [step]mom and wife, ugh. I find myself second guessing any decision I’ve made, questioning my ability to parent.

I’ve been working at home, doing office work part time and loving it. Next week, she needs me to start working with clients again. I work as her assistant for her caregiving business. As much as I love working with people, I was loving being at home. Gas was saved, I was able to get housework done, I could set my own hours and could spend time with my family. I’m only going to be going out a couple days a week…but I’m dreading it.

What does this have to do with balance? My husband will hopefully be starting his training next week for a trucking company. And with him going EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, we’re going to have to plan things a head of time for certain days seeing as we only have one car at the moment. Because I know my boss will up my hours outside the home. And I’m going to have to find a babysitter.

We’ve also begun looking at homes. My husband lost his job, so we’ve been stuck living with his parents….I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know my mother in law helped us a lot by opening up her home, but I can’t take it. Once my husband’s training is done, we’re hoping to have saved enough money to move out. So we’re trying to balance our schedules, trying to find time to get everything done.

And it sucks when his daughter comes over, because it’s almost as if we stop everything for her. We only get her every other weekend, and we want to spend so much time with her, but our to do list shouldn’t be put on hold. She doesn’t need to be with us every hour of the day. And saying this makes me feel like a horrible person. Shouldn’t I want to give all my attention to her? Well, yes. And I do. But I also want to move out of my mother in law’s and get my life back on track with my husband. I want to be able to set up my son’s bouncy seat and not worry about having to take it down because my MIL doesn’t like it out. I want to paint my son’s room. I want my stepdaughter and son to have their own rooms so they have the space to have beds and dressers and toys. I don’t want to be stuck with my in laws.

I’m praying my husband’s application is accepted. We’re supposed to find out tomorrow. Then I’ll feel like we’re moving forward. I want to stay working at home…I need to find something. I need to do something else, because I honestly don’t want to work outside my home. I want to find balance. I want to be a good mom, a good wife.

How I feel tonight..

My stepdaughter, Lahryssa, is here for the weekend. Yay!

Sometimes I feel bad, because I get her dad all the time, and now she has a little brother who has him all the time too. I feel like I could do something about it. When I first came home with my son, I was terrified of how things were going to play out. How were we going to make time for everything? How were we going to make sure she didn’t feel left out? I wanted to include her in everything. My mom is the best at it. She is a miracle worker, the way she is with Lahryssa. I mean, she has experience. When I was younger, my stepbrother was over every other weekend, and my mom did her best to make sure that he was included in everything. My mom is amazing, and I try my best to follow her example.

Thinking about Lahryssa brings back a lot of memories…some I’d rather keep buried. My stepfather isn’t the greatest. Yes, he raised me like his own and provided…but there are things I should never have been subjected to. The little girl inside me still loves and worries for him. The grown up though? Ugh, I just want to move on. He is part of the reason I have all these issues about being a [step]mom. I don’t feel I’m good enough, because he made me feel like I never would be.

I see how my parents were, how they still are…and I want to run in the opposite direction. I remember feeling so inadequate as a daughter and doing everything to make him happy. And in the end, I was still a failure. So, when I met my husband…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how he could like me, how he could ever possibly love me. And when he asked me to marry him, I felt like I was dreaming and about to wake up any second. I was so blessed to have a husband who is patient enough to remind me every day that I am not a failure and knows it will take some time to heal from the pain of my past.

I want to be a good [step]mom. I want to be a good daughter/sister in-law. I want to be the best that I can.

It will take time, and I need to be patient with myself. But I also need to give myself some credit. I’ve come a long way. I have made big steps in moving forward and making a life for myself. I have a big journey ahead of myself, but I’m not alone.

Just a thought

I’m a new mom, not been married even six months…

How do I do this?

My son is a month tomorrow…how is he still living? I swear, I have no idea how I’m doing this. I feel like I’m going to screw up any second now. Even at this moment, I feel like I’m neglecting my child because I’m blogging. Breastfeeding? Ugh, that is a disaster. Thank God for pumps, or else he wouldn’t be eating much.

I’m working at home, hopefully it’s going to stay that way. This whole driving out of town thing is driving me nuts. I will miss my clients…but the idea of working from home sounds so appealing! Just working on the computer, making phone calls, and setting up appointments…yeah, I’m good with that.

The plus? I get to spend time with my son. I am so in love with him. I never thought I could love a human being so much. I now understand what my mother said when she told me my brother and I were her greatest accomplishments. He is so sweet and wonderful.

Until next time