Thinking

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My son, two months yesterday.
I love him so much. God has blessed me with such a beautiful wonderful baby boy. I am excited for the man he will become. For now, I will enjoy every moment I have. He is so precious and will remain small only for a little while. I want to take it all in. I want to document everything. I want to look back and smile. I want to do everything I can to provide a better path for him. He is loved so greatly. God blessed me and I will do my best for him.

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Alone Time….

….does not exist. 

I love my son, but I’d love to shower by myself. I can’t believe I took that time for granted. I just want to enjoy one hot shower!

And my husband is barely any help. The Man-child, ugh. Why are men so infuriating? 

I’ve been trying to get house work done, on top of work. Those women who work from home….how I praise them. Stay at home moms, Suzie Homemakers? I apologize for any negative thing I have ever said. I applaud you. Believe me, I am talking to all my mom friends for tips and taking notes. Being a mom is TOUGH work. 

Though I wouldn’t admit that to some people. Not that I’m trying to be prideful….it’s just that there are some people in my life who like to get a little more involved and offer “helpful” advice on how I’m doing everything wrong. I already feel a level of inadequacy, I don’t need any help. I’m a young mom, there’s going to be a lot of trial and error. If I really wanted your advice, I’d ask.

I look at my son (who is actually sleeping on me as I type this) and feel so much love. I  never thought I could feel a love so powerful. I mean, I knew I was going to love him…but this is more than I expected. Honestly, I get jealous sometimes when someone else is holding him. Ugh, that sounds a bit crazy doesn’t it? Am I the only one? Say no please.

That alone time I wanted? Yeah, I’m enjoying not being able to move due to the fear of my son waking…. 

The Many Roles I Play

I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about everything I do. And who I am to everyone around me.

I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, an in-law, a co-worker, an employee…

I can be a housecleaner, a housewife, a caregiver…

I never stop being something for someone. I’m always there, and constantly feel like I’m not doing a good enough job, which hinders me because I don’t do things because I feel like I’m going to fail so why bother, right?

I do my best, and I feel great about it in the moment…but after…I look back and think “I could have done better.”

I can do more for my mom, I can make more of an effort with some things. I feel like I fail as a sister because I feel like I’m disappointing my brother. As a wife and mother? Oh, I don’t want to get started on that. Every day, all day I’m terrified I’m screwing up. I feel like I could be so much better. I’m so wrapped up in how I’m failing, even if it’s not in my control. I try my best to be a good friend, but sometimes I’m at a loss for words and I hate it. I wish I could always say the right thing, do the right thing. When it comes to my best friend Jacque, I feel like I’m not being my best sometimes. As an in-law….I seriously don’t mingle well with my husband’s family. I keep to myself and just go with it. I know I don’t put forth much effort there, but it’s because I’m just too different. They’re all about following the rules on how a person should look or act or who they should be in love with. All kinds of cookie cutter…and I’m not like that. I can’t be like that. Thank God for my husband. As a co-worker and employee….I’m just doing what I have to do to survive. Hopefully I can get into school and do what I want. Help other kids who have been in the same situation as me. And help them, let them know there is a way out.

I’m not the Suzie Homemaker type. Cleaning, cooking…yea no. I barely do a good job taking care of my stepdaughter. My goal? That I can say she’s well fed and alive by the end of the day.

Being a caregiver is my job, and I think I do it very well. I’ve only had a few issues, and for the most part my clients have always liked me. They love seeing me and I love seeing them. Now, this is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I love taking care of people, but I already have a career goal in mind. I just really hope I can make it.

I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy. I want to say that I did okay and I have a  lot to be proud of. I want few regrets. Life isn’t all peaches and cream, shit happens and life can majorly suck. I’m on a road to better myself and take back my life. Things could be so much worse, but they can also be better.