Breathe

Stop.
Pause.
Cease.

That’s what I’m learning to do. Just take a break and breathe. I started a new study with a group of ladies from church, and it’s nice. It’s all about taking a Sabbath, taking time for God. I think what I like most is that it’s not saying one single day, like Sunday. It’s more about a moment. I’ve learned I don’t tend to overdo most things, but there are still areas I need to work on. Being a part time working mom, I know my days are filled. So much of my time is taken up that I rarely take a break to sit with God. Even when I’m able to go back to being a stay at home mom, I’m going to be busy with kids and chores. When the kids are out or napping I know I’ll be taking the opportunity to do housecleaning.
I’ve been really down on myself lately. I wasn’t able to stay home long with my son because my husband lost his job. So I had to return to work. I feel like I’m missing out on things. And when I’m home, I try to do so much because I don’t have much time to do it. There have been some opportunities that are showing themselves and I hope this is the direction that God is pointing us. Simply because I will be able to stay at home. Plus, I’m expecting again….I’m going to need to take time off anyway. I just hope that we’ll have better luck. We need stability. We need to find a way to stay above water.
There is just so much going on, and it’s the perfect time for me to learn how to BREATHE.

Life, loss, and a new year

How do I start this? How do I begin…. What are the right words….
As I have said before, my dad was hospitalized for months for leukemia. They did chemo and antibiotics..,his organs began to fail and fungus grew on his skin and liver. The only explanation was that the chemo broke his body down so much everything bad was given access to his body. A month and a half before this started, he had gone to the doctor for a routine check up and everything was fine….and then he was rushed to the hospital. A little over three months later, my dad was transferred to hospice and passed after being there for two days…
It all happened so fast. We were hit with a train. Some good came out of it (which is insane to say). My dad and I reconciled after over a year of not speaking. He met his grandson, saw his son after 10 years, and met my cousin’s husband. He asked for forgiveness and dished it out. He humbled himself before us and brought God back into his life. My mom and him forgave each other and had planned to begin again when he was released from the hospital…which never really happened.
But I can say happily that there are no regrets. I will miss him, and I wish I could have that year back, but God had a plan. And I have accepted that.
We learned a hard lesson, and now we are having to move on and help others.
It is hard to start a new year without my dad. I said to myself on New Year, I wasn’t going to make a resolution. But I’ve decided to make a pledge…I pledge to be a honorable wife, a patient daughter, an understanding sister, an honest friend, a kind sister in law, a loving daughter in law, and a gracious (step)mom. I feel that my dad would have accepted that, he would have agreed that this was a good idea. I can only hope to live life letting everyone I come into contact with know how much they are loved. I don’t want to waste another minute being negative and angry.
I’m not sure how to end this now…I guess…until next time…

So it’s been a while

Obviously there has been a lot going on. First, I want to say, if you saw my last post, that my dad’s cancer has gone into remission! Thank the Lord! It has been a battle, and though we are still fighting other things, we have gotten past this one.
Christmas is coming up and I have yet to really even begin to shop for presents. So that’s my goal tomorrow. With the help of my mother, I will hopefully get everything I need. One present per person. Money is tight again this year, and I just wish I could do more.
I also have some big news…..but can’t share yet. I just can’t believe it. We’re also getting out of here. My husband and I agreed after Christmas we’re moving out. As much as I love him, I did say I’m leaving with or without him.  I can’t do this anymore with his parents. I don’t want to. We are ready to be on our own. I just hope he knows how serious I am….
Wow. Okay, new subject. I know, I can easily delete all of that, but I don’t want to. I’m in a venting mood.
My son has his two bottom teeth. He’s making all kinds of noises and is five months! I can’t believe it’s been five.months since I had him. This time last year I was pregnant with him. When he had to have surgery, I freaked out. My baby! But everything turned out fine. He is such a happy baby. He’s looking at the ceiling fan and making noises as I type this. His laugh is so cute. He is such a handsome little bugger. He’s eating solids….I better stop. I just love him so much. I never knew I had so much love stored up in me.
Until next time

Things happen

Learn to forgive yourself. It’s not  your fault. Shake it off.  Accidents happen. It’s out of your control. I’m learning all this as a first time mom. It was hard to realize there was only so much I could do to help my milk production. I only have so much power in my life. The rest is out of my hands. All I need to worry about is that I’m doing my best.

My little boy

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I never thought I could be filled with so much love. He is so precious and wonderful.
I love being a mom. I’ve always wanted to be one, and at 16 I just KNEW I was going to have lots of kids. I couldn’t wait to meet the right man. I wanted so badly to have a child. Though I was a bit terrified. What if I was a bad mom? What if I did something wrong and screwed my kid up? Suddenly, I wasn’t sure anymore.
Then I met my husband and his little girl. And he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about.
When I got pregnant, I read all the books. I made lists, plans. I joined mommy groups. I did everything I could to be prepared. But nothing could prepare me for all the emotions.
I am proud to say I am the mommy to a beautiful healthy baby boy. I am still terrified, but I’ve come to understand that’s a normal feeling. And I’ve learned that mothers who are worried about being bad moms normally aren’t. I’m looking forward to the many years of mommyhood.

Thinking

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My son, two months yesterday.
I love him so much. God has blessed me with such a beautiful wonderful baby boy. I am excited for the man he will become. For now, I will enjoy every moment I have. He is so precious and will remain small only for a little while. I want to take it all in. I want to document everything. I want to look back and smile. I want to do everything I can to provide a better path for him. He is loved so greatly. God blessed me and I will do my best for him.