It’s not in my control.

I’ve been repeating that a lot to myself lately. I’ve felt suffocated, lost, blind, and a bit insane for a while. I’m trying to focus on myself and my family, what needs to get done…..
There have been a lot of frustration the past several weeks. No money, no home….my mom and brother are basically homeless. I don’t know what to do, and I feel useless. She has a room at Motel 6 for a couple more days, then nowhere to go. I know God has it covered. I know things will get done, that everything will work out…..ugh I’m actually tired of saying that.
Then there’s my in laws. THAT is where most of my anxiety comes from. They make me nervous….I don’t like being around them anymore. I feel used and exhausted. Despite the stress I’m feeling for my mom, I feel like a weight has lifted because I’m not around my husband’s family. It sounds terrible, but true. I’m calming down and I have more breathing room. Granted, they still call and irritate me, but I can easily not answer or when I do, I can cut the conversation short by saying I’m busy. I feel free. Yep, we are definitely moving out…..now how to tell the MIL??
It’s almost two months since my dad died. I know he’s probably laughing at us, or throwing a fit cuz we’re not doing it the way he would. Either way, I know he’s happy because we’re sticking together. Mom needs a lot of help, and I’m trying to do my best. Though, most of the time I feel like everything I’ve done is useless. And my mom hasn’t been able to go to grief counseling because we’re not settled somewhere. We’re supposed to go on vacation next month…..if nothing is taken care of we can’t go.

Breathe Lizzie, breathe.

Okay, I’m good. Sorry, I’m freaking out again. I’m upset because so many people were there when my dad was in the hospital and right after he died. But now that my mom is HOMELESS, there seems to be very few left. I WANT TO HIT SOMETHING! I’ve been asking around, looking….gotten nada. ARG. I don’t understand. Two people and four pets need a home and no one can even offer help.

Breathe.

I need to calm down, but I’m so worried and mad. There is not much in my control. I need to relax.

Until next time….

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I just don’t know….

Today is my husband’s birthday. I bought him a new phone despite knowing that we couldn’t afford it right now. And it hurts being on such a tight budget. I’m the only one working, and it’s part time. He’s looking for a job, but who wants to hire a person with a learning disability? We can barely afford the only two bills we have, and even though I hate it, thank God we are staying with my in laws right now.
We have just over $20 in the bank, and I have to figure out how to make it stretch until next Thursday. Plus, we have no working car, so I also have to figure out how I’m getting to work. I’m trying not to be negative but it’s very hard. We can’t keep asking for money, I already have to pay his mother back for paying for the parts we need. I just don’t know what to do.
I think sometimes if we made the right choice….I wonder if I did. I mean, I turned down a full time job for the one I have now because of empty promises. And as much as I love my husband and our family, I know I wouldn’t be having such a hard time if I was single. I sometimes wish I was so I could actually afford to support myself. And then I feel horrible for feeling like that.
We’re playing the waiting game on a job, on if he gets more government assistance, on waiting for my raise or more hours. I know my husband is having a hard time with all of this too. Maybe he feels even worse because I am the only one working. I know he feels bad because he’s having such a difficult time finding a job. I pray every day a door is opened.
Right now….I have no idea how I’m going to make it til my next paycheck….

All I have to say

Is being a mom is full of good and bad.
My stepdaughter is a handful. She has ADHD and I suspect there are other behavioural issues. She is a beautiful smart six year old, and she acts like a devil child. I love her to death, but I don’t know what to do.
My son is already having medical issues. And I feel out of control. I wish I could just fix everything myself.
It doesn’t help when my MIL tries to give me “advice”, making me feel like I’m doing a horrible job. I try to stay calm, but all I do is send myself into fits of anger.
I’m doing my best. I just need to remember to take care of myself too.

Frustrated

This week has been a mess for me. Doctor appointments, DES, Social Security, WIC…
And I have to go back to Downtown Phoenix because I never received my son’s birth certificate I paid for.
I can’t get a handle on housework and I haven’t been able to return to work due to the storm this past weekend (my husband was laid off and is having trouble finding a new job) so I will have basically no money in the bank to pay upcoming bills.
I am a total mess. Feeling like I haven’t gotten anything accomplished. Almost called it quits with my husband out of anger with our situation. I just don’t understand why I feel like everything is crashing down on us. We’re trying so hard to make shit work, and coming up empty handed. I feel lost and losing control. I feel anxious, slightly depressed, and so confused.
Things have to get better fast….