I just don’t know….

Today is my husband’s birthday. I bought him a new phone despite knowing that we couldn’t afford it right now. And it hurts being on such a tight budget. I’m the only one working, and it’s part time. He’s looking for a job, but who wants to hire a person with a learning disability? We can barely afford the only two bills we have, and even though I hate it, thank God we are staying with my in laws right now.
We have just over $20 in the bank, and I have to figure out how to make it stretch until next Thursday. Plus, we have no working car, so I also have to figure out how I’m getting to work. I’m trying not to be negative but it’s very hard. We can’t keep asking for money, I already have to pay his mother back for paying for the parts we need. I just don’t know what to do.
I think sometimes if we made the right choice….I wonder if I did. I mean, I turned down a full time job for the one I have now because of empty promises. And as much as I love my husband and our family, I know I wouldn’t be having such a hard time if I was single. I sometimes wish I was so I could actually afford to support myself. And then I feel horrible for feeling like that.
We’re playing the waiting game on a job, on if he gets more government assistance, on waiting for my raise or more hours. I know my husband is having a hard time with all of this too. Maybe he feels even worse because I am the only one working. I know he feels bad because he’s having such a difficult time finding a job. I pray every day a door is opened.
Right now….I have no idea how I’m going to make it til my next paycheck….

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All I have to say

Is being a mom is full of good and bad.
My stepdaughter is a handful. She has ADHD and I suspect there are other behavioural issues. She is a beautiful smart six year old, and she acts like a devil child. I love her to death, but I don’t know what to do.
My son is already having medical issues. And I feel out of control. I wish I could just fix everything myself.
It doesn’t help when my MIL tries to give me “advice”, making me feel like I’m doing a horrible job. I try to stay calm, but all I do is send myself into fits of anger.
I’m doing my best. I just need to remember to take care of myself too.

Things happen

Learn to forgive yourself. It’s not  your fault. Shake it off.  Accidents happen. It’s out of your control. I’m learning all this as a first time mom. It was hard to realize there was only so much I could do to help my milk production. I only have so much power in my life. The rest is out of my hands. All I need to worry about is that I’m doing my best.

Balance

It’s a tough job trying to find balance in life…then add being a [step]mom and wife, ugh. I find myself second guessing any decision I’ve made, questioning my ability to parent.

I’ve been working at home, doing office work part time and loving it. Next week, she needs me to start working with clients again. I work as her assistant for her caregiving business. As much as I love working with people, I was loving being at home. Gas was saved, I was able to get housework done, I could set my own hours and could spend time with my family. I’m only going to be going out a couple days a week…but I’m dreading it.

What does this have to do with balance? My husband will hopefully be starting his training next week for a trucking company. And with him going EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, we’re going to have to plan things a head of time for certain days seeing as we only have one car at the moment. Because I know my boss will up my hours outside the home. And I’m going to have to find a babysitter.

We’ve also begun looking at homes. My husband lost his job, so we’ve been stuck living with his parents….I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know my mother in law helped us a lot by opening up her home, but I can’t take it. Once my husband’s training is done, we’re hoping to have saved enough money to move out. So we’re trying to balance our schedules, trying to find time to get everything done.

And it sucks when his daughter comes over, because it’s almost as if we stop everything for her. We only get her every other weekend, and we want to spend so much time with her, but our to do list shouldn’t be put on hold. She doesn’t need to be with us every hour of the day. And saying this makes me feel like a horrible person. Shouldn’t I want to give all my attention to her? Well, yes. And I do. But I also want to move out of my mother in law’s and get my life back on track with my husband. I want to be able to set up my son’s bouncy seat and not worry about having to take it down because my MIL doesn’t like it out. I want to paint my son’s room. I want my stepdaughter and son to have their own rooms so they have the space to have beds and dressers and toys. I don’t want to be stuck with my in laws.

I’m praying my husband’s application is accepted. We’re supposed to find out tomorrow. Then I’ll feel like we’re moving forward. I want to stay working at home…I need to find something. I need to do something else, because I honestly don’t want to work outside my home. I want to find balance. I want to be a good mom, a good wife.

How I feel tonight..

My stepdaughter, Lahryssa, is here for the weekend. Yay!

Sometimes I feel bad, because I get her dad all the time, and now she has a little brother who has him all the time too. I feel like I could do something about it. When I first came home with my son, I was terrified of how things were going to play out. How were we going to make time for everything? How were we going to make sure she didn’t feel left out? I wanted to include her in everything. My mom is the best at it. She is a miracle worker, the way she is with Lahryssa. I mean, she has experience. When I was younger, my stepbrother was over every other weekend, and my mom did her best to make sure that he was included in everything. My mom is amazing, and I try my best to follow her example.

Thinking about Lahryssa brings back a lot of memories…some I’d rather keep buried. My stepfather isn’t the greatest. Yes, he raised me like his own and provided…but there are things I should never have been subjected to. The little girl inside me still loves and worries for him. The grown up though? Ugh, I just want to move on. He is part of the reason I have all these issues about being a [step]mom. I don’t feel I’m good enough, because he made me feel like I never would be.

I see how my parents were, how they still are…and I want to run in the opposite direction. I remember feeling so inadequate as a daughter and doing everything to make him happy. And in the end, I was still a failure. So, when I met my husband…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how he could like me, how he could ever possibly love me. And when he asked me to marry him, I felt like I was dreaming and about to wake up any second. I was so blessed to have a husband who is patient enough to remind me every day that I am not a failure and knows it will take some time to heal from the pain of my past.

I want to be a good [step]mom. I want to be a good daughter/sister in-law. I want to be the best that I can.

It will take time, and I need to be patient with myself. But I also need to give myself some credit. I’ve come a long way. I have made big steps in moving forward and making a life for myself. I have a big journey ahead of myself, but I’m not alone.

The Many Roles I Play

I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about everything I do. And who I am to everyone around me.

I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, an in-law, a co-worker, an employee…

I can be a housecleaner, a housewife, a caregiver…

I never stop being something for someone. I’m always there, and constantly feel like I’m not doing a good enough job, which hinders me because I don’t do things because I feel like I’m going to fail so why bother, right?

I do my best, and I feel great about it in the moment…but after…I look back and think “I could have done better.”

I can do more for my mom, I can make more of an effort with some things. I feel like I fail as a sister because I feel like I’m disappointing my brother. As a wife and mother? Oh, I don’t want to get started on that. Every day, all day I’m terrified I’m screwing up. I feel like I could be so much better. I’m so wrapped up in how I’m failing, even if it’s not in my control. I try my best to be a good friend, but sometimes I’m at a loss for words and I hate it. I wish I could always say the right thing, do the right thing. When it comes to my best friend Jacque, I feel like I’m not being my best sometimes. As an in-law….I seriously don’t mingle well with my husband’s family. I keep to myself and just go with it. I know I don’t put forth much effort there, but it’s because I’m just too different. They’re all about following the rules on how a person should look or act or who they should be in love with. All kinds of cookie cutter…and I’m not like that. I can’t be like that. Thank God for my husband. As a co-worker and employee….I’m just doing what I have to do to survive. Hopefully I can get into school and do what I want. Help other kids who have been in the same situation as me. And help them, let them know there is a way out.

I’m not the Suzie Homemaker type. Cleaning, cooking…yea no. I barely do a good job taking care of my stepdaughter. My goal? That I can say she’s well fed and alive by the end of the day.

Being a caregiver is my job, and I think I do it very well. I’ve only had a few issues, and for the most part my clients have always liked me. They love seeing me and I love seeing them. Now, this is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I love taking care of people, but I already have a career goal in mind. I just really hope I can make it.

I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy. I want to say that I did okay and I have a  lot to be proud of. I want few regrets. Life isn’t all peaches and cream, shit happens and life can majorly suck. I’m on a road to better myself and take back my life. Things could be so much worse, but they can also be better.