All I have to say

Is being a mom is full of good and bad.
My stepdaughter is a handful. She has ADHD and I suspect there are other behavioural issues. She is a beautiful smart six year old, and she acts like a devil child. I love her to death, but I don’t know what to do.
My son is already having medical issues. And I feel out of control. I wish I could just fix everything myself.
It doesn’t help when my MIL tries to give me “advice”, making me feel like I’m doing a horrible job. I try to stay calm, but all I do is send myself into fits of anger.
I’m doing my best. I just need to remember to take care of myself too.

Advertisements

Things happen

Learn to forgive yourself. It’s not  your fault. Shake it off.  Accidents happen. It’s out of your control. I’m learning all this as a first time mom. It was hard to realize there was only so much I could do to help my milk production. I only have so much power in my life. The rest is out of my hands. All I need to worry about is that I’m doing my best.

The “S” word

Surgery.
Ugh.
I don’t want to think about it. Unfortunately I have to. I have to go the hospital and get my son’s CT scan results and take it to the children’s hospital and hear about what the doctor is going to do. Again. I’ve already done it, but my husband didn’t. So we get to go back and I get to listen to all the details once more. And I’m thinking about tuning it all out. I don’t want to hear about the doctor opening up my son’s head and removing the part of his skull that’s fused. I don’t want to hear about the procedure and risks.
I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t want to hear it all over again. I understood the first time.
My son is going to have surgery. My baby. He’s not even three months.
I talked it out with my husband. Talked with a friend who’s actually gone through this too. I even have the same doctor! I’m praying for peace, for God to guide the doctor’s hands. I’m praying my husband will understand in order for me to remain calm, he has to as well.
They say my son will have to stay in the hospital 3-5 days after surgery….guess who’s not going home until he does. My husband and I have already decided we’re packing a bag to stay. I can’t leave him. It’s going to kill me when I have to go to work. I think this is the first time I’ve been grateful my husband doesn’t work right now.
I’m shaking….trying not to cry. I am so absolutely terrified….

My little boy

image

I never thought I could be filled with so much love. He is so precious and wonderful.
I love being a mom. I’ve always wanted to be one, and at 16 I just KNEW I was going to have lots of kids. I couldn’t wait to meet the right man. I wanted so badly to have a child. Though I was a bit terrified. What if I was a bad mom? What if I did something wrong and screwed my kid up? Suddenly, I wasn’t sure anymore.
Then I met my husband and his little girl. And he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about.
When I got pregnant, I read all the books. I made lists, plans. I joined mommy groups. I did everything I could to be prepared. But nothing could prepare me for all the emotions.
I am proud to say I am the mommy to a beautiful healthy baby boy. I am still terrified, but I’ve come to understand that’s a normal feeling. And I’ve learned that mothers who are worried about being bad moms normally aren’t. I’m looking forward to the many years of mommyhood.

Frustrated

This week has been a mess for me. Doctor appointments, DES, Social Security, WIC…
And I have to go back to Downtown Phoenix because I never received my son’s birth certificate I paid for.
I can’t get a handle on housework and I haven’t been able to return to work due to the storm this past weekend (my husband was laid off and is having trouble finding a new job) so I will have basically no money in the bank to pay upcoming bills.
I am a total mess. Feeling like I haven’t gotten anything accomplished. Almost called it quits with my husband out of anger with our situation. I just don’t understand why I feel like everything is crashing down on us. We’re trying so hard to make shit work, and coming up empty handed. I feel lost and losing control. I feel anxious, slightly depressed, and so confused.
Things have to get better fast….

Thinking

image

My son, two months yesterday.
I love him so much. God has blessed me with such a beautiful wonderful baby boy. I am excited for the man he will become. For now, I will enjoy every moment I have. He is so precious and will remain small only for a little while. I want to take it all in. I want to document everything. I want to look back and smile. I want to do everything I can to provide a better path for him. He is loved so greatly. God blessed me and I will do my best for him.

Balance

It’s a tough job trying to find balance in life…then add being a [step]mom and wife, ugh. I find myself second guessing any decision I’ve made, questioning my ability to parent.

I’ve been working at home, doing office work part time and loving it. Next week, she needs me to start working with clients again. I work as her assistant for her caregiving business. As much as I love working with people, I was loving being at home. Gas was saved, I was able to get housework done, I could set my own hours and could spend time with my family. I’m only going to be going out a couple days a week…but I’m dreading it.

What does this have to do with balance? My husband will hopefully be starting his training next week for a trucking company. And with him going EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, we’re going to have to plan things a head of time for certain days seeing as we only have one car at the moment. Because I know my boss will up my hours outside the home. And I’m going to have to find a babysitter.

We’ve also begun looking at homes. My husband lost his job, so we’ve been stuck living with his parents….I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know my mother in law helped us a lot by opening up her home, but I can’t take it. Once my husband’s training is done, we’re hoping to have saved enough money to move out. So we’re trying to balance our schedules, trying to find time to get everything done.

And it sucks when his daughter comes over, because it’s almost as if we stop everything for her. We only get her every other weekend, and we want to spend so much time with her, but our to do list shouldn’t be put on hold. She doesn’t need to be with us every hour of the day. And saying this makes me feel like a horrible person. Shouldn’t I want to give all my attention to her? Well, yes. And I do. But I also want to move out of my mother in law’s and get my life back on track with my husband. I want to be able to set up my son’s bouncy seat and not worry about having to take it down because my MIL doesn’t like it out. I want to paint my son’s room. I want my stepdaughter and son to have their own rooms so they have the space to have beds and dressers and toys. I don’t want to be stuck with my in laws.

I’m praying my husband’s application is accepted. We’re supposed to find out tomorrow. Then I’ll feel like we’re moving forward. I want to stay working at home…I need to find something. I need to do something else, because I honestly don’t want to work outside my home. I want to find balance. I want to be a good mom, a good wife.