Breathe

Stop.
Pause.
Cease.

That’s what I’m learning to do. Just take a break and breathe. I started a new study with a group of ladies from church, and it’s nice. It’s all about taking a Sabbath, taking time for God. I think what I like most is that it’s not saying one single day, like Sunday. It’s more about a moment. I’ve learned I don’t tend to overdo most things, but there are still areas I need to work on. Being a part time working mom, I know my days are filled. So much of my time is taken up that I rarely take a break to sit with God. Even when I’m able to go back to being a stay at home mom, I’m going to be busy with kids and chores. When the kids are out or napping I know I’ll be taking the opportunity to do housecleaning.
I’ve been really down on myself lately. I wasn’t able to stay home long with my son because my husband lost his job. So I had to return to work. I feel like I’m missing out on things. And when I’m home, I try to do so much because I don’t have much time to do it. There have been some opportunities that are showing themselves and I hope this is the direction that God is pointing us. Simply because I will be able to stay at home. Plus, I’m expecting again….I’m going to need to take time off anyway. I just hope that we’ll have better luck. We need stability. We need to find a way to stay above water.
There is just so much going on, and it’s the perfect time for me to learn how to BREATHE.

I just don’t know….

Today is my husband’s birthday. I bought him a new phone despite knowing that we couldn’t afford it right now. And it hurts being on such a tight budget. I’m the only one working, and it’s part time. He’s looking for a job, but who wants to hire a person with a learning disability? We can barely afford the only two bills we have, and even though I hate it, thank God we are staying with my in laws right now.
We have just over $20 in the bank, and I have to figure out how to make it stretch until next Thursday. Plus, we have no working car, so I also have to figure out how I’m getting to work. I’m trying not to be negative but it’s very hard. We can’t keep asking for money, I already have to pay his mother back for paying for the parts we need. I just don’t know what to do.
I think sometimes if we made the right choice….I wonder if I did. I mean, I turned down a full time job for the one I have now because of empty promises. And as much as I love my husband and our family, I know I wouldn’t be having such a hard time if I was single. I sometimes wish I was so I could actually afford to support myself. And then I feel horrible for feeling like that.
We’re playing the waiting game on a job, on if he gets more government assistance, on waiting for my raise or more hours. I know my husband is having a hard time with all of this too. Maybe he feels even worse because I am the only one working. I know he feels bad because he’s having such a difficult time finding a job. I pray every day a door is opened.
Right now….I have no idea how I’m going to make it til my next paycheck….

All I have to say

Is being a mom is full of good and bad.
My stepdaughter is a handful. She has ADHD and I suspect there are other behavioural issues. She is a beautiful smart six year old, and she acts like a devil child. I love her to death, but I don’t know what to do.
My son is already having medical issues. And I feel out of control. I wish I could just fix everything myself.
It doesn’t help when my MIL tries to give me “advice”, making me feel like I’m doing a horrible job. I try to stay calm, but all I do is send myself into fits of anger.
I’m doing my best. I just need to remember to take care of myself too.

The “S” word

Surgery.
Ugh.
I don’t want to think about it. Unfortunately I have to. I have to go the hospital and get my son’s CT scan results and take it to the children’s hospital and hear about what the doctor is going to do. Again. I’ve already done it, but my husband didn’t. So we get to go back and I get to listen to all the details once more. And I’m thinking about tuning it all out. I don’t want to hear about the doctor opening up my son’s head and removing the part of his skull that’s fused. I don’t want to hear about the procedure and risks.
I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t want to hear it all over again. I understood the first time.
My son is going to have surgery. My baby. He’s not even three months.
I talked it out with my husband. Talked with a friend who’s actually gone through this too. I even have the same doctor! I’m praying for peace, for God to guide the doctor’s hands. I’m praying my husband will understand in order for me to remain calm, he has to as well.
They say my son will have to stay in the hospital 3-5 days after surgery….guess who’s not going home until he does. My husband and I have already decided we’re packing a bag to stay. I can’t leave him. It’s going to kill me when I have to go to work. I think this is the first time I’ve been grateful my husband doesn’t work right now.
I’m shaking….trying not to cry. I am so absolutely terrified….

Frustrated

This week has been a mess for me. Doctor appointments, DES, Social Security, WIC…
And I have to go back to Downtown Phoenix because I never received my son’s birth certificate I paid for.
I can’t get a handle on housework and I haven’t been able to return to work due to the storm this past weekend (my husband was laid off and is having trouble finding a new job) so I will have basically no money in the bank to pay upcoming bills.
I am a total mess. Feeling like I haven’t gotten anything accomplished. Almost called it quits with my husband out of anger with our situation. I just don’t understand why I feel like everything is crashing down on us. We’re trying so hard to make shit work, and coming up empty handed. I feel lost and losing control. I feel anxious, slightly depressed, and so confused.
Things have to get better fast….