Alone Time….

….does not exist. 

I love my son, but I’d love to shower by myself. I can’t believe I took that time for granted. I just want to enjoy one hot shower!

And my husband is barely any help. The Man-child, ugh. Why are men so infuriating? 

I’ve been trying to get house work done, on top of work. Those women who work from home….how I praise them. Stay at home moms, Suzie Homemakers? I apologize for any negative thing I have ever said. I applaud you. Believe me, I am talking to all my mom friends for tips and taking notes. Being a mom is TOUGH work. 

Though I wouldn’t admit that to some people. Not that I’m trying to be prideful….it’s just that there are some people in my life who like to get a little more involved and offer “helpful” advice on how I’m doing everything wrong. I already feel a level of inadequacy, I don’t need any help. I’m a young mom, there’s going to be a lot of trial and error. If I really wanted your advice, I’d ask.

I look at my son (who is actually sleeping on me as I type this) and feel so much love. I  never thought I could feel a love so powerful. I mean, I knew I was going to love him…but this is more than I expected. Honestly, I get jealous sometimes when someone else is holding him. Ugh, that sounds a bit crazy doesn’t it? Am I the only one? Say no please.

That alone time I wanted? Yeah, I’m enjoying not being able to move due to the fear of my son waking…. 

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The Many Roles I Play

I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about everything I do. And who I am to everyone around me.

I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, an in-law, a co-worker, an employee…

I can be a housecleaner, a housewife, a caregiver…

I never stop being something for someone. I’m always there, and constantly feel like I’m not doing a good enough job, which hinders me because I don’t do things because I feel like I’m going to fail so why bother, right?

I do my best, and I feel great about it in the moment…but after…I look back and think “I could have done better.”

I can do more for my mom, I can make more of an effort with some things. I feel like I fail as a sister because I feel like I’m disappointing my brother. As a wife and mother? Oh, I don’t want to get started on that. Every day, all day I’m terrified I’m screwing up. I feel like I could be so much better. I’m so wrapped up in how I’m failing, even if it’s not in my control. I try my best to be a good friend, but sometimes I’m at a loss for words and I hate it. I wish I could always say the right thing, do the right thing. When it comes to my best friend Jacque, I feel like I’m not being my best sometimes. As an in-law….I seriously don’t mingle well with my husband’s family. I keep to myself and just go with it. I know I don’t put forth much effort there, but it’s because I’m just too different. They’re all about following the rules on how a person should look or act or who they should be in love with. All kinds of cookie cutter…and I’m not like that. I can’t be like that. Thank God for my husband. As a co-worker and employee….I’m just doing what I have to do to survive. Hopefully I can get into school and do what I want. Help other kids who have been in the same situation as me. And help them, let them know there is a way out.

I’m not the Suzie Homemaker type. Cleaning, cooking…yea no. I barely do a good job taking care of my stepdaughter. My goal? That I can say she’s well fed and alive by the end of the day.

Being a caregiver is my job, and I think I do it very well. I’ve only had a few issues, and for the most part my clients have always liked me. They love seeing me and I love seeing them. Now, this is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I love taking care of people, but I already have a career goal in mind. I just really hope I can make it.

I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy. I want to say that I did okay and I have a  lot to be proud of. I want few regrets. Life isn’t all peaches and cream, shit happens and life can majorly suck. I’m on a road to better myself and take back my life. Things could be so much worse, but they can also be better.

Just a thought

I’m a new mom, not been married even six months…

How do I do this?

My son is a month tomorrow…how is he still living? I swear, I have no idea how I’m doing this. I feel like I’m going to screw up any second now. Even at this moment, I feel like I’m neglecting my child because I’m blogging. Breastfeeding? Ugh, that is a disaster. Thank God for pumps, or else he wouldn’t be eating much.

I’m working at home, hopefully it’s going to stay that way. This whole driving out of town thing is driving me nuts. I will miss my clients…but the idea of working from home sounds so appealing! Just working on the computer, making phone calls, and setting up appointments…yeah, I’m good with that.

The plus? I get to spend time with my son. I am so in love with him. I never thought I could love a human being so much. I now understand what my mother said when she told me my brother and I were her greatest accomplishments. He is so sweet and wonderful.

Until next time