Breathe

Stop.
Pause.
Cease.

That’s what I’m learning to do. Just take a break and breathe. I started a new study with a group of ladies from church, and it’s nice. It’s all about taking a Sabbath, taking time for God. I think what I like most is that it’s not saying one single day, like Sunday. It’s more about a moment. I’ve learned I don’t tend to overdo most things, but there are still areas I need to work on. Being a part time working mom, I know my days are filled. So much of my time is taken up that I rarely take a break to sit with God. Even when I’m able to go back to being a stay at home mom, I’m going to be busy with kids and chores. When the kids are out or napping I know I’ll be taking the opportunity to do housecleaning.
I’ve been really down on myself lately. I wasn’t able to stay home long with my son because my husband lost his job. So I had to return to work. I feel like I’m missing out on things. And when I’m home, I try to do so much because I don’t have much time to do it. There have been some opportunities that are showing themselves and I hope this is the direction that God is pointing us. Simply because I will be able to stay at home. Plus, I’m expecting again….I’m going to need to take time off anyway. I just hope that we’ll have better luck. We need stability. We need to find a way to stay above water.
There is just so much going on, and it’s the perfect time for me to learn how to BREATHE.

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Life, loss, and a new year

How do I start this? How do I begin…. What are the right words….
As I have said before, my dad was hospitalized for months for leukemia. They did chemo and antibiotics..,his organs began to fail and fungus grew on his skin and liver. The only explanation was that the chemo broke his body down so much everything bad was given access to his body. A month and a half before this started, he had gone to the doctor for a routine check up and everything was fine….and then he was rushed to the hospital. A little over three months later, my dad was transferred to hospice and passed after being there for two days…
It all happened so fast. We were hit with a train. Some good came out of it (which is insane to say). My dad and I reconciled after over a year of not speaking. He met his grandson, saw his son after 10 years, and met my cousin’s husband. He asked for forgiveness and dished it out. He humbled himself before us and brought God back into his life. My mom and him forgave each other and had planned to begin again when he was released from the hospital…which never really happened.
But I can say happily that there are no regrets. I will miss him, and I wish I could have that year back, but God had a plan. And I have accepted that.
We learned a hard lesson, and now we are having to move on and help others.
It is hard to start a new year without my dad. I said to myself on New Year, I wasn’t going to make a resolution. But I’ve decided to make a pledge…I pledge to be a honorable wife, a patient daughter, an understanding sister, an honest friend, a kind sister in law, a loving daughter in law, and a gracious (step)mom. I feel that my dad would have accepted that, he would have agreed that this was a good idea. I can only hope to live life letting everyone I come into contact with know how much they are loved. I don’t want to waste another minute being negative and angry.
I’m not sure how to end this now…I guess…until next time…

Balance

It’s a tough job trying to find balance in life…then add being a [step]mom and wife, ugh. I find myself second guessing any decision I’ve made, questioning my ability to parent.

I’ve been working at home, doing office work part time and loving it. Next week, she needs me to start working with clients again. I work as her assistant for her caregiving business. As much as I love working with people, I was loving being at home. Gas was saved, I was able to get housework done, I could set my own hours and could spend time with my family. I’m only going to be going out a couple days a week…but I’m dreading it.

What does this have to do with balance? My husband will hopefully be starting his training next week for a trucking company. And with him going EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, we’re going to have to plan things a head of time for certain days seeing as we only have one car at the moment. Because I know my boss will up my hours outside the home. And I’m going to have to find a babysitter.

We’ve also begun looking at homes. My husband lost his job, so we’ve been stuck living with his parents….I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know my mother in law helped us a lot by opening up her home, but I can’t take it. Once my husband’s training is done, we’re hoping to have saved enough money to move out. So we’re trying to balance our schedules, trying to find time to get everything done.

And it sucks when his daughter comes over, because it’s almost as if we stop everything for her. We only get her every other weekend, and we want to spend so much time with her, but our to do list shouldn’t be put on hold. She doesn’t need to be with us every hour of the day. And saying this makes me feel like a horrible person. Shouldn’t I want to give all my attention to her? Well, yes. And I do. But I also want to move out of my mother in law’s and get my life back on track with my husband. I want to be able to set up my son’s bouncy seat and not worry about having to take it down because my MIL doesn’t like it out. I want to paint my son’s room. I want my stepdaughter and son to have their own rooms so they have the space to have beds and dressers and toys. I don’t want to be stuck with my in laws.

I’m praying my husband’s application is accepted. We’re supposed to find out tomorrow. Then I’ll feel like we’re moving forward. I want to stay working at home…I need to find something. I need to do something else, because I honestly don’t want to work outside my home. I want to find balance. I want to be a good mom, a good wife.

How I feel tonight..

My stepdaughter, Lahryssa, is here for the weekend. Yay!

Sometimes I feel bad, because I get her dad all the time, and now she has a little brother who has him all the time too. I feel like I could do something about it. When I first came home with my son, I was terrified of how things were going to play out. How were we going to make time for everything? How were we going to make sure she didn’t feel left out? I wanted to include her in everything. My mom is the best at it. She is a miracle worker, the way she is with Lahryssa. I mean, she has experience. When I was younger, my stepbrother was over every other weekend, and my mom did her best to make sure that he was included in everything. My mom is amazing, and I try my best to follow her example.

Thinking about Lahryssa brings back a lot of memories…some I’d rather keep buried. My stepfather isn’t the greatest. Yes, he raised me like his own and provided…but there are things I should never have been subjected to. The little girl inside me still loves and worries for him. The grown up though? Ugh, I just want to move on. He is part of the reason I have all these issues about being a [step]mom. I don’t feel I’m good enough, because he made me feel like I never would be.

I see how my parents were, how they still are…and I want to run in the opposite direction. I remember feeling so inadequate as a daughter and doing everything to make him happy. And in the end, I was still a failure. So, when I met my husband…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how he could like me, how he could ever possibly love me. And when he asked me to marry him, I felt like I was dreaming and about to wake up any second. I was so blessed to have a husband who is patient enough to remind me every day that I am not a failure and knows it will take some time to heal from the pain of my past.

I want to be a good [step]mom. I want to be a good daughter/sister in-law. I want to be the best that I can.

It will take time, and I need to be patient with myself. But I also need to give myself some credit. I’ve come a long way. I have made big steps in moving forward and making a life for myself. I have a big journey ahead of myself, but I’m not alone.