Disastrously fun

So, my mom, brother, husband, son, and myself started a family trip March 13. First we went to camping with my aunt, uncle, and their two kids. Then we drove to California for some fun…..didn’t go exactly as planned. We kept sleeping in, the truck even broke down. First we were late to leave foe camping. I mean, we lost a whole day. After having a blast camping, We were late to Glendale. Then we tried to do too much in one day. My Auntie Gini let us keep our trailer parked at her house while we went traveling, but we slept in again, and we were late to Santa Barbara. We had a little time to do some things, my husband and I even got to celebrate our anniversary. We walked down State Street, spent some money, and had a decent time. Then we slept I’m AGAIN. The truck broke down on the way to San Francisco, and our day was lost. But we met some really cool people and had a lot of food. After the truck got fixed, we were not only extremely late to San Francisco, but we also lost the room because the travel website had not updated their info and we hadn’t known our pets weren’t allowed. So Mom had to find a new room, but then we had to waste a day waiting for check in. We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, the boys went bike riding, we explored and old army base. I mean, we did things we wanted, but we also had to keep the pets in mind because they were stuck in the truck with all our crap. We got to our room (which was almost an hour away) and passed out…..which meant sleeping in lol. So when we went to Fisherman’s Wharf, we hadn’t had all the time we wanted. But we still had a good time. We were able to leave on time back to Santa Barbara for a quick stop, but lost a day due to an emotional break down. So we didn’t make it until super late, and had to stay the night. Plus, my mom, brother and myself had begun to get sick. We made it to Glemde, got our things, but lost a day because of traffic and my getting very sick. So when we left, we had to stop at the border of California and Arizona to sleep….and now we are back on the road to Arizona to catch a flight to Florida for Disney World. Oh! I also forgot to mention that this whole time we had no idea what we were going to do with our pets while we were on Florida. It wasn’t until early this morning that we found a solution. Our plans kept falling through and I was getting very mad.
So now, we are on the road, back to drop off the pets to the wonderful people who stepped up, drop off the trailer, and get everything ready for our flight tomorrow. Let’s hope and pray we have just as much fun!

It’s not in my control.

I’ve been repeating that a lot to myself lately. I’ve felt suffocated, lost, blind, and a bit insane for a while. I’m trying to focus on myself and my family, what needs to get done…..
There have been a lot of frustration the past several weeks. No money, no home….my mom and brother are basically homeless. I don’t know what to do, and I feel useless. She has a room at Motel 6 for a couple more days, then nowhere to go. I know God has it covered. I know things will get done, that everything will work out…..ugh I’m actually tired of saying that.
Then there’s my in laws. THAT is where most of my anxiety comes from. They make me nervous….I don’t like being around them anymore. I feel used and exhausted. Despite the stress I’m feeling for my mom, I feel like a weight has lifted because I’m not around my husband’s family. It sounds terrible, but true. I’m calming down and I have more breathing room. Granted, they still call and irritate me, but I can easily not answer or when I do, I can cut the conversation short by saying I’m busy. I feel free. Yep, we are definitely moving out…..now how to tell the MIL??
It’s almost two months since my dad died. I know he’s probably laughing at us, or throwing a fit cuz we’re not doing it the way he would. Either way, I know he’s happy because we’re sticking together. Mom needs a lot of help, and I’m trying to do my best. Though, most of the time I feel like everything I’ve done is useless. And my mom hasn’t been able to go to grief counseling because we’re not settled somewhere. We’re supposed to go on vacation next month…..if nothing is taken care of we can’t go.

Breathe Lizzie, breathe.

Okay, I’m good. Sorry, I’m freaking out again. I’m upset because so many people were there when my dad was in the hospital and right after he died. But now that my mom is HOMELESS, there seems to be very few left. I WANT TO HIT SOMETHING! I’ve been asking around, looking….gotten nada. ARG. I don’t understand. Two people and four pets need a home and no one can even offer help.

Breathe.

I need to calm down, but I’m so worried and mad. There is not much in my control. I need to relax.

Until next time….

Breathe

Stop.
Pause.
Cease.

That’s what I’m learning to do. Just take a break and breathe. I started a new study with a group of ladies from church, and it’s nice. It’s all about taking a Sabbath, taking time for God. I think what I like most is that it’s not saying one single day, like Sunday. It’s more about a moment. I’ve learned I don’t tend to overdo most things, but there are still areas I need to work on. Being a part time working mom, I know my days are filled. So much of my time is taken up that I rarely take a break to sit with God. Even when I’m able to go back to being a stay at home mom, I’m going to be busy with kids and chores. When the kids are out or napping I know I’ll be taking the opportunity to do housecleaning.
I’ve been really down on myself lately. I wasn’t able to stay home long with my son because my husband lost his job. So I had to return to work. I feel like I’m missing out on things. And when I’m home, I try to do so much because I don’t have much time to do it. There have been some opportunities that are showing themselves and I hope this is the direction that God is pointing us. Simply because I will be able to stay at home. Plus, I’m expecting again….I’m going to need to take time off anyway. I just hope that we’ll have better luck. We need stability. We need to find a way to stay above water.
There is just so much going on, and it’s the perfect time for me to learn how to BREATHE.

Life, loss, and a new year

How do I start this? How do I begin…. What are the right words….
As I have said before, my dad was hospitalized for months for leukemia. They did chemo and antibiotics..,his organs began to fail and fungus grew on his skin and liver. The only explanation was that the chemo broke his body down so much everything bad was given access to his body. A month and a half before this started, he had gone to the doctor for a routine check up and everything was fine….and then he was rushed to the hospital. A little over three months later, my dad was transferred to hospice and passed after being there for two days…
It all happened so fast. We were hit with a train. Some good came out of it (which is insane to say). My dad and I reconciled after over a year of not speaking. He met his grandson, saw his son after 10 years, and met my cousin’s husband. He asked for forgiveness and dished it out. He humbled himself before us and brought God back into his life. My mom and him forgave each other and had planned to begin again when he was released from the hospital…which never really happened.
But I can say happily that there are no regrets. I will miss him, and I wish I could have that year back, but God had a plan. And I have accepted that.
We learned a hard lesson, and now we are having to move on and help others.
It is hard to start a new year without my dad. I said to myself on New Year, I wasn’t going to make a resolution. But I’ve decided to make a pledge…I pledge to be a honorable wife, a patient daughter, an understanding sister, an honest friend, a kind sister in law, a loving daughter in law, and a gracious (step)mom. I feel that my dad would have accepted that, he would have agreed that this was a good idea. I can only hope to live life letting everyone I come into contact with know how much they are loved. I don’t want to waste another minute being negative and angry.
I’m not sure how to end this now…I guess…until next time…

So it’s been a while

Obviously there has been a lot going on. First, I want to say, if you saw my last post, that my dad’s cancer has gone into remission! Thank the Lord! It has been a battle, and though we are still fighting other things, we have gotten past this one.
Christmas is coming up and I have yet to really even begin to shop for presents. So that’s my goal tomorrow. With the help of my mother, I will hopefully get everything I need. One present per person. Money is tight again this year, and I just wish I could do more.
I also have some big news…..but can’t share yet. I just can’t believe it. We’re also getting out of here. My husband and I agreed after Christmas we’re moving out. As much as I love him, I did say I’m leaving with or without him.  I can’t do this anymore with his parents. I don’t want to. We are ready to be on our own. I just hope he knows how serious I am….
Wow. Okay, new subject. I know, I can easily delete all of that, but I don’t want to. I’m in a venting mood.
My son has his two bottom teeth. He’s making all kinds of noises and is five months! I can’t believe it’s been five.months since I had him. This time last year I was pregnant with him. When he had to have surgery, I freaked out. My baby! But everything turned out fine. He is such a happy baby. He’s looking at the ceiling fan and making noises as I type this. His laugh is so cute. He is such a handsome little bugger. He’s eating solids….I better stop. I just love him so much. I never knew I had so much love stored up in me.
Until next time

I just don’t know….

Today is my husband’s birthday. I bought him a new phone despite knowing that we couldn’t afford it right now. And it hurts being on such a tight budget. I’m the only one working, and it’s part time. He’s looking for a job, but who wants to hire a person with a learning disability? We can barely afford the only two bills we have, and even though I hate it, thank God we are staying with my in laws right now.
We have just over $20 in the bank, and I have to figure out how to make it stretch until next Thursday. Plus, we have no working car, so I also have to figure out how I’m getting to work. I’m trying not to be negative but it’s very hard. We can’t keep asking for money, I already have to pay his mother back for paying for the parts we need. I just don’t know what to do.
I think sometimes if we made the right choice….I wonder if I did. I mean, I turned down a full time job for the one I have now because of empty promises. And as much as I love my husband and our family, I know I wouldn’t be having such a hard time if I was single. I sometimes wish I was so I could actually afford to support myself. And then I feel horrible for feeling like that.
We’re playing the waiting game on a job, on if he gets more government assistance, on waiting for my raise or more hours. I know my husband is having a hard time with all of this too. Maybe he feels even worse because I am the only one working. I know he feels bad because he’s having such a difficult time finding a job. I pray every day a door is opened.
Right now….I have no idea how I’m going to make it til my next paycheck….