It’s not in my control.

I’ve been repeating that a lot to myself lately. I’ve felt suffocated, lost, blind, and a bit insane for a while. I’m trying to focus on myself and my family, what needs to get done…..
There have been a lot of frustration the past several weeks. No money, no home….my mom and brother are basically homeless. I don’t know what to do, and I feel useless. She has a room at Motel 6 for a couple more days, then nowhere to go. I know God has it covered. I know things will get done, that everything will work out…..ugh I’m actually tired of saying that.
Then there’s my in laws. THAT is where most of my anxiety comes from. They make me nervous….I don’t like being around them anymore. I feel used and exhausted. Despite the stress I’m feeling for my mom, I feel like a weight has lifted because I’m not around my husband’s family. It sounds terrible, but true. I’m calming down and I have more breathing room. Granted, they still call and irritate me, but I can easily not answer or when I do, I can cut the conversation short by saying I’m busy. I feel free. Yep, we are definitely moving out…..now how to tell the MIL??
It’s almost two months since my dad died. I know he’s probably laughing at us, or throwing a fit cuz we’re not doing it the way he would. Either way, I know he’s happy because we’re sticking together. Mom needs a lot of help, and I’m trying to do my best. Though, most of the time I feel like everything I’ve done is useless. And my mom hasn’t been able to go to grief counseling because we’re not settled somewhere. We’re supposed to go on vacation next month…..if nothing is taken care of we can’t go.

Breathe Lizzie, breathe.

Okay, I’m good. Sorry, I’m freaking out again. I’m upset because so many people were there when my dad was in the hospital and right after he died. But now that my mom is HOMELESS, there seems to be very few left. I WANT TO HIT SOMETHING! I’ve been asking around, looking….gotten nada. ARG. I don’t understand. Two people and four pets need a home and no one can even offer help.

Breathe.

I need to calm down, but I’m so worried and mad. There is not much in my control. I need to relax.

Until next time….

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