I just don’t know….

Today is my husband’s birthday. I bought him a new phone despite knowing that we couldn’t afford it right now. And it hurts being on such a tight budget. I’m the only one working, and it’s part time. He’s looking for a job, but who wants to hire a person with a learning disability? We can barely afford the only two bills we have, and even though I hate it, thank God we are staying with my in laws right now.
We have just over $20 in the bank, and I have to figure out how to make it stretch until next Thursday. Plus, we have no working car, so I also have to figure out how I’m getting to work. I’m trying not to be negative but it’s very hard. We can’t keep asking for money, I already have to pay his mother back for paying for the parts we need. I just don’t know what to do.
I think sometimes if we made the right choice….I wonder if I did. I mean, I turned down a full time job for the one I have now because of empty promises. And as much as I love my husband and our family, I know I wouldn’t be having such a hard time if I was single. I sometimes wish I was so I could actually afford to support myself. And then I feel horrible for feeling like that.
We’re playing the waiting game on a job, on if he gets more government assistance, on waiting for my raise or more hours. I know my husband is having a hard time with all of this too. Maybe he feels even worse because I am the only one working. I know he feels bad because he’s having such a difficult time finding a job. I pray every day a door is opened.
Right now….I have no idea how I’m going to make it til my next paycheck….

All I have to say

Is being a mom is full of good and bad.
My stepdaughter is a handful. She has ADHD and I suspect there are other behavioural issues. She is a beautiful smart six year old, and she acts like a devil child. I love her to death, but I don’t know what to do.
My son is already having medical issues. And I feel out of control. I wish I could just fix everything myself.
It doesn’t help when my MIL tries to give me “advice”, making me feel like I’m doing a horrible job. I try to stay calm, but all I do is send myself into fits of anger.
I’m doing my best. I just need to remember to take care of myself too.

Things happen

Learn to forgive yourself. It’s not  your fault. Shake it off.  Accidents happen. It’s out of your control. I’m learning all this as a first time mom. It was hard to realize there was only so much I could do to help my milk production. I only have so much power in my life. The rest is out of my hands. All I need to worry about is that I’m doing my best.