The “S” word

Surgery.
Ugh.
I don’t want to think about it. Unfortunately I have to. I have to go the hospital and get my son’s CT scan results and take it to the children’s hospital and hear about what the doctor is going to do. Again. I’ve already done it, but my husband didn’t. So we get to go back and I get to listen to all the details once more. And I’m thinking about tuning it all out. I don’t want to hear about the doctor opening up my son’s head and removing the part of his skull that’s fused. I don’t want to hear about the procedure and risks.
I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t want to hear it all over again. I understood the first time.
My son is going to have surgery. My baby. He’s not even three months.
I talked it out with my husband. Talked with a friend who’s actually gone through this too. I even have the same doctor! I’m praying for peace, for God to guide the doctor’s hands. I’m praying my husband will understand in order for me to remain calm, he has to as well.
They say my son will have to stay in the hospital 3-5 days after surgery….guess who’s not going home until he does. My husband and I have already decided we’re packing a bag to stay. I can’t leave him. It’s going to kill me when I have to go to work. I think this is the first time I’ve been grateful my husband doesn’t work right now.
I’m shaking….trying not to cry. I am so absolutely terrified….

My little boy

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I never thought I could be filled with so much love. He is so precious and wonderful.
I love being a mom. I’ve always wanted to be one, and at 16 I just KNEW I was going to have lots of kids. I couldn’t wait to meet the right man. I wanted so badly to have a child. Though I was a bit terrified. What if I was a bad mom? What if I did something wrong and screwed my kid up? Suddenly, I wasn’t sure anymore.
Then I met my husband and his little girl. And he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about.
When I got pregnant, I read all the books. I made lists, plans. I joined mommy groups. I did everything I could to be prepared. But nothing could prepare me for all the emotions.
I am proud to say I am the mommy to a beautiful healthy baby boy. I am still terrified, but I’ve come to understand that’s a normal feeling. And I’ve learned that mothers who are worried about being bad moms normally aren’t. I’m looking forward to the many years of mommyhood.

Frustrated

This week has been a mess for me. Doctor appointments, DES, Social Security, WIC…
And I have to go back to Downtown Phoenix because I never received my son’s birth certificate I paid for.
I can’t get a handle on housework and I haven’t been able to return to work due to the storm this past weekend (my husband was laid off and is having trouble finding a new job) so I will have basically no money in the bank to pay upcoming bills.
I am a total mess. Feeling like I haven’t gotten anything accomplished. Almost called it quits with my husband out of anger with our situation. I just don’t understand why I feel like everything is crashing down on us. We’re trying so hard to make shit work, and coming up empty handed. I feel lost and losing control. I feel anxious, slightly depressed, and so confused.
Things have to get better fast….

Thinking

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My son, two months yesterday.
I love him so much. God has blessed me with such a beautiful wonderful baby boy. I am excited for the man he will become. For now, I will enjoy every moment I have. He is so precious and will remain small only for a little while. I want to take it all in. I want to document everything. I want to look back and smile. I want to do everything I can to provide a better path for him. He is loved so greatly. God blessed me and I will do my best for him.