How I feel tonight..

My stepdaughter, Lahryssa, is here for the weekend. Yay!

Sometimes I feel bad, because I get her dad all the time, and now she has a little brother who has him all the time too. I feel like I could do something about it. When I first came home with my son, I was terrified of how things were going to play out. How were we going to make time for everything? How were we going to make sure she didn’t feel left out? I wanted to include her in everything. My mom is the best at it. She is a miracle worker, the way she is with Lahryssa. I mean, she has experience. When I was younger, my stepbrother was over every other weekend, and my mom did her best to make sure that he was included in everything. My mom is amazing, and I try my best to follow her example.

Thinking about Lahryssa brings back a lot of memories…some I’d rather keep buried. My stepfather isn’t the greatest. Yes, he raised me like his own and provided…but there are things I should never have been subjected to. The little girl inside me still loves and worries for him. The grown up though? Ugh, I just want to move on. He is part of the reason I have all these issues about being a [step]mom. I don’t feel I’m good enough, because he made me feel like I never would be.

I see how my parents were, how they still are…and I want to run in the opposite direction. I remember feeling so inadequate as a daughter and doing everything to make him happy. And in the end, I was still a failure. So, when I met my husband…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how he could like me, how he could ever possibly love me. And when he asked me to marry him, I felt like I was dreaming and about to wake up any second. I was so blessed to have a husband who is patient enough to remind me every day that I am not a failure and knows it will take some time to heal from the pain of my past.

I want to be a good [step]mom. I want to be a good daughter/sister in-law. I want to be the best that I can.

It will take time, and I need to be patient with myself. But I also need to give myself some credit. I’ve come a long way. I have made big steps in moving forward and making a life for myself. I have a big journey ahead of myself, but I’m not alone.


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