Balance

It’s a tough job trying to find balance in life…then add being a [step]mom and wife, ugh. I find myself second guessing any decision I’ve made, questioning my ability to parent.

I’ve been working at home, doing office work part time and loving it. Next week, she needs me to start working with clients again. I work as her assistant for her caregiving business. As much as I love working with people, I was loving being at home. Gas was saved, I was able to get housework done, I could set my own hours and could spend time with my family. I’m only going to be going out a couple days a week…but I’m dreading it.

What does this have to do with balance? My husband will hopefully be starting his training next week for a trucking company. And with him going EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, we’re going to have to plan things a head of time for certain days seeing as we only have one car at the moment. Because I know my boss will up my hours outside the home. And I’m going to have to find a babysitter.

We’ve also begun looking at homes. My husband lost his job, so we’ve been stuck living with his parents….I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know my mother in law helped us a lot by opening up her home, but I can’t take it. Once my husband’s training is done, we’re hoping to have saved enough money to move out. So we’re trying to balance our schedules, trying to find time to get everything done.

And it sucks when his daughter comes over, because it’s almost as if we stop everything for her. We only get her every other weekend, and we want to spend so much time with her, but our to do list shouldn’t be put on hold. She doesn’t need to be with us every hour of the day. And saying this makes me feel like a horrible person. Shouldn’t I want to give all my attention to her? Well, yes. And I do. But I also want to move out of my mother in law’s and get my life back on track with my husband. I want to be able to set up my son’s bouncy seat and not worry about having to take it down because my MIL doesn’t like it out. I want to paint my son’s room. I want my stepdaughter and son to have their own rooms so they have the space to have beds and dressers and toys. I don’t want to be stuck with my in laws.

I’m praying my husband’s application is accepted. We’re supposed to find out tomorrow. Then I’ll feel like we’re moving forward. I want to stay working at home…I need to find something. I need to do something else, because I honestly don’t want to work outside my home. I want to find balance. I want to be a good mom, a good wife.

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Alone Time….

….does not exist. 

I love my son, but I’d love to shower by myself. I can’t believe I took that time for granted. I just want to enjoy one hot shower!

And my husband is barely any help. The Man-child, ugh. Why are men so infuriating? 

I’ve been trying to get house work done, on top of work. Those women who work from home….how I praise them. Stay at home moms, Suzie Homemakers? I apologize for any negative thing I have ever said. I applaud you. Believe me, I am talking to all my mom friends for tips and taking notes. Being a mom is TOUGH work. 

Though I wouldn’t admit that to some people. Not that I’m trying to be prideful….it’s just that there are some people in my life who like to get a little more involved and offer “helpful” advice on how I’m doing everything wrong. I already feel a level of inadequacy, I don’t need any help. I’m a young mom, there’s going to be a lot of trial and error. If I really wanted your advice, I’d ask.

I look at my son (who is actually sleeping on me as I type this) and feel so much love. I  never thought I could feel a love so powerful. I mean, I knew I was going to love him…but this is more than I expected. Honestly, I get jealous sometimes when someone else is holding him. Ugh, that sounds a bit crazy doesn’t it? Am I the only one? Say no please.

That alone time I wanted? Yeah, I’m enjoying not being able to move due to the fear of my son waking…. 

How I feel tonight..

My stepdaughter, Lahryssa, is here for the weekend. Yay!

Sometimes I feel bad, because I get her dad all the time, and now she has a little brother who has him all the time too. I feel like I could do something about it. When I first came home with my son, I was terrified of how things were going to play out. How were we going to make time for everything? How were we going to make sure she didn’t feel left out? I wanted to include her in everything. My mom is the best at it. She is a miracle worker, the way she is with Lahryssa. I mean, she has experience. When I was younger, my stepbrother was over every other weekend, and my mom did her best to make sure that he was included in everything. My mom is amazing, and I try my best to follow her example.

Thinking about Lahryssa brings back a lot of memories…some I’d rather keep buried. My stepfather isn’t the greatest. Yes, he raised me like his own and provided…but there are things I should never have been subjected to. The little girl inside me still loves and worries for him. The grown up though? Ugh, I just want to move on. He is part of the reason I have all these issues about being a [step]mom. I don’t feel I’m good enough, because he made me feel like I never would be.

I see how my parents were, how they still are…and I want to run in the opposite direction. I remember feeling so inadequate as a daughter and doing everything to make him happy. And in the end, I was still a failure. So, when I met my husband…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how he could like me, how he could ever possibly love me. And when he asked me to marry him, I felt like I was dreaming and about to wake up any second. I was so blessed to have a husband who is patient enough to remind me every day that I am not a failure and knows it will take some time to heal from the pain of my past.

I want to be a good [step]mom. I want to be a good daughter/sister in-law. I want to be the best that I can.

It will take time, and I need to be patient with myself. But I also need to give myself some credit. I’ve come a long way. I have made big steps in moving forward and making a life for myself. I have a big journey ahead of myself, but I’m not alone.